The Quintessentially - You Podcast

Steve's Honest Reflections on Overcoming Life's Toughest Challenges

February 25, 2024 • with Craig Bartlett

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Steve from New South Wales joins me to share the kind of story that stops you in your tracks—a tale of love lost, the spiral into despair, and the harrowing brink of suicide.

As he unfolds his journey with devastating honesty, it's impossible not to be moved by the sheer vulnerability and the potent reminder of our fragility when life throws its cruellest punches.

Yet, in the midst of his darkest hours, Steve found a resilience within himself that he never knew existed. His candid conversation about the life-saving importance of reaching out for help serves as a stark wake-up call; it's more than a story, it's a lifeline for anyone who finds themselves in the eye of a personal storm.

As he recount my own trials, a different kind of strength emerges—one that's found in the bonds of family. The financial and emotional strains following the end of a significant relationship could have broken the holiday spirit, but instead, it brought an unexpected gift: the deepening ties with my sons. Their maturity, understanding, and surprising joy in the face of our scaled-back Christmas revealed a resilience that only family can foster.

This episode is a poignant testament to the transformative power of support and understanding, and a celebration of the often overlooked resilience within our closest relationships.

Join us on this powerful journey that uncovers the beauty of human endurance and the irreplaceable value of heartfelt communication.

If you feel you need support please reach out to any of the following organisations for further support.

In the UK you can contact Mind.
info@mind.org.uk
Infoline: 0300 123 3393

In Australia you can contact
https://www.lifeline.org.au/

13 11 14 - Lifeline Crisis Support Line | Lifeline Australia

In New Zealand you can contact
The Ministry of Health website https://www.health.govt.nz/your-health/conditions-and-treatments/mental-health/preventing-suicide/supporting-someone-who-suicidal
 
Need to talk? Free call or text 1737 any time

You are listening to the Quintessentially - You Podcast, where we share journeys and shift minds because #everymancounts.

Craig:

Evening. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the 20th century you podcast. My name is Craig, I'm your host again. I've got the pleasure of talking to a man who's really passionate about how men approach difficult situations, the conversations that they have with themselves and, you know, sharing his journey on what has happened in his life and where he is today. So, Steve, welcome to the podcast. You will just want to give us a little bit of background sort of where you are geographically and and how we came to meet.

Steve:

Yeah, I'm in New South Wales, australia. We met by. I ordered a book online, started to read this book because I was in a pretty bad spot and I decided that I needed help, but I didn't know where to get help from or who to who to ask for help. Yeah, I was in a real bad place and you reached out to me, from me applying for the book and reading the book yeah, so tell us.

Craig:

Okay. You said you're in a pretty bad place. Do you want to describe what that looked like and felt like for yourself?

Steve:

well, I'll give you the background to it. In April last year, my partner and I decided that we're moving from Sydney to the. Actually, that was in March. We decided we're moving from Sydney to the Central Coast and then in April, we were retiring. We had funds, we're gonna be self-funded on 55 years old and I was gonna be retired and life was looking real good. Unfortunately, that dream lasted for three months and she decided one Friday. She said to me that she no longer liked living in the area we're living in and that she was going to be leaving. And within a week a truck arrived.

Steve:

I was asked to leave the house, which I did just to make it easier for her, and when I came back four hours later, the house was empty, completely empty. I had two beds, a dining table and that was it. There was no cutlery. There was. I had a fridge. I did have a fridge, but there was no. There was one pot, so I couldn't even cook a meal. I had no, nothing to wash my dishes with nothing to wash my clothes with. She took off for the money. I had $300 in the account, with no food in the fridge and a $400 mortgage due the next week, and I had no job.

Craig:

Did you see it coming?

Steve:

No, no, had no idea, nothing at all. She just said I'm moving out, and then she was gone. Within a week she was gone. Yeah, her brother and cousin helped move her out.

Steve:

And then they decided to be the heavies and they put the hard word on me, saying that they were so. Not only had they gutted the house, but they were taking everything off me. They were taking my car, they were taking my Harley, which is my pride and joy. They were taking money, equity, out of the house. And so not only did I have no furniture, but I was going to end up with nowhere to live. I had no job.

Steve:

Yeah, it was a real dark, scary, horrible place to be in when you've got bills coming in and you didn't even have. Well, I didn't even have enough money to go down the road and buy some groceries to put in the pantry. Now I'm very lucky. I've got my mum and dad still. I'm 55 years old. My dad's just turned 80.

Steve:

I was very embarrassed to have to ring an 80 year old man and talk to him about a 55 year old man that couldn't pay his way. His time of supporting me was gone. I'm an adult. I shouldn't be going back to an 80 year old retired man and asking dad, can you please help me? So I didn't. I didn't. I used to phone my mum and dad a fair bit. They're back in New Zealand and mum caught on as to how bad I was. Sorry, good, but a bit emotional, yeah, sorry. She realized how bad I was so she decided that she was going to come over and spend a week with me to try and get me from, you know, out of this rut. I did, actually I did go to a family law, a family lawyer, which helped me out a lot.

Steve:

But the morning before I went to them, when I'd spent a week of no sleep, no food, I was stressed about how to pay anything, so I wasn't sleeping. I was awake at 11 o'clock at night. I'd wake up on the couch at three o'clock in the morning and that was the amount of sleep I got. I go to bed. I couldn't get any further than the couch. So I was basically the couch which I bought, which I managed to buy for 50 bucks because my couch had been gone. And I bought a couch for 50 bucks and that was. I was either on the couch or I was in the one, one of the two beds that were left and one.

Steve:

Wednesday morning I was awake at three o'clock in the morning. I thought I can't do this anymore. I can't do it. I just can't. I can't see you way out. I can't do this.

Steve:

And I'd already sort of been researching on painless ways to commit suicide and I decided sorry, I decided that that Wednesday was the day. So at five o'clock in the morning I made my will, I got onto an online website and I made my will, and at six o'clock in the morning I went down to my garage and I set everything up, and at half past six I rang my best mate over here and said to him look, you know, I'm just sort of tying up a few loose ends here. You know I'm 55, you don't know what's gonna happen in the future. I'm making a will would you please be my the executive to my will. He sort of had an idea that that things weren't great with me, but he didn't know to what extent. What extent? Yeah, yeah, because every everybody knows. Well, I don't know if everybody knows this, but it's a, it's a fact that people should know. Is that, if someone talks about talk committing suicide, they're not gonna do it. I never spoke to anyone. Nobody knew. Nobody knew that my time was up that Wednesday morning. That was my time.

Steve:

Two minutes before doing the deed, I was in my garage and I sat down and I thought about what my dad means to me, the conversations I have with him, who. This is tough. I didn't realize it's gonna be as tough as what it is and the conversations I have with him and how much I actually lean on him just for advice. And you know he's 80 years old, he's starting to lose his marbles, but I still ask him for advice on. You know, dad, what would you do here, what would you do there? And I've got two boys. I've got two boys aged 17 and 11 and I thought, man, they're gonna miss out on this. Yeah, and that was what stopped me that morning. The problem for those two kids I wouldn't be here. I mean, you and I would not be having this conversation, and I honestly believe that I would not be here.

Steve:

With that, I asked my dad. I told him that the extent of what little I had and what big out goings I was having, and he sent me over $5,000 to get me through. And then he kept talking to me about. You know, you spend the money, use the money to pay your bills, use the money to buy some furniture, use the money to do something. But I said, dad, I don't want to use it because I don't know how I can get it back to you. So I just didn't touch it, I wouldn't use the money. And in the end he got so sick of that. He said to me I haven't given you a birthday present or a Christmas present for nearly 10 years. The five grand is yours. Please use it now. You don't have to worry about paying it back.

Steve:

So I went and bought myself a TV and just after I bought the TV I had my kids up for a weekend. We went out for two hours and came back and I could hear water running. I thought what the hell is that? One of the kids left the tap on. But no, the plumbing had blown in the house and my house was flooded. Oh shit, upstairs the upstairs en suite had popped the uh, my whole bedroom was all the floor and everything was was gone. The ceiling was gone from here downstairs. There was a lot of damage there and you know what it was? Okay, yeah, it was like, okay, just turn the water off, go get a piece of pipe. We fixed it like. I fixed it straight away.

Steve:

Bring the insurance company. I will name the insurance company because they were absolutely brilliant. I'm called an insured with budget direct, right, okay, they did every. I I told them Of my finances that I didn't have the thousand dollar excess. They did everything they could To prep as much as they could without the excess being paid. And then finally they said, look, we can't do any more until we get that money. And I said that's fine, I've got the money and paid them. Nice, by then I had a job. Now, my job that I got, I mean, that was just. Again, you talk, talk to people and things happen. You have to talk to people. It's so, so important. And I ended up by.

Steve:

I've been truck driving for seven, 16 years and before that I was in the excavators for 10 year. B ut moving up to central coast, I couldn't get a job and either just everyone I went to. I looked made, I've been 16 years with the one company, like, not, sorry, no vacancies or anything. So I thought, jeez, what am I going to do? So I enrolled in a traffic control course Just to do a whole, to stop going Right, just to get someone. And there was another guy on that course. There's a two day course. There's another guy on that course around my age.

Steve:

And on the second day I sat down lunch and started talking to him and he said what are you doing here? You know why. Why are you doing this? You're study old enough that you shouldn't be changing jobs. I told him a story. I said, mate, I, I actually told him everything. And I said look, I've been in excavator in years. I've been truck driving for 16 years. He goes Can you operate in excavator? I said yep. He said I'll have your job tomorrow made. My mate owns a company. He'll take you on tomorrow.

Steve:

This guy rang his mate. He didn't know me, he didn't know whether I could operate or not. You know it takes a long time to to to get good on these machines. Yeah, and I'm building on one for 16 years. This he rang his mate. His mate took me on without even seeing me. All right, he told me we had a Fun call. He said yep, you know. You said so, you, you know what you're talking about. So obviously you know the job. Yeah, we'll start, you know, come out, we'll give you the keys to the yard.

Steve:

He goes to machines at this address. Go there tomorrow. You're working and I've been working with them ever since and they, you know, they're happy as a pig and poo with me. So, because I can do the job. But no one would give you, no one gave me the chance.

Steve:

But again, you've got to talk to people. You know, I was at that course and happened to talk to a guy who was then able to help me. It's and I keep telling people, people are too ashamed to take help. You can't be ashamed to take help, man. You've got to ask, you've got to talk, because help will come when you least expect it, in a way that you don't expect it to come in, and you know what you can. You can help others, you know, and this is what this podcast is about.

Steve:

This is why I'm talking about my story, because If I can save one life by people looking at me going, wow, that guy is being through hell. This is where I'm at. He actually asked somebody. Maybe I should ask somebody, and if I can say one life, it's worth it, mate. And I'll tell you six months, six months later I was going to commit suicide. Right, my house. I've got. I've been on holidays, I've just come back from a cruise, I've got money in the bank. I see my kids all the time. Life's great, life is great.

Craig:

You know, first, first off, I just want to say thank you for sharing, you know, your story. It's truly inspiring, it's, you know, when you think of where you were at and the decisions you were making, and, and then we go all the way through to the decision to, you know, talk and share with your father. And then you know, talk and share with the guy at the course, and and to have a job and everything is sort of on the right track.

Craig:

It is it's. It's about communicating. It's about asking you know, and it is.

Steve:

You've got to ask for help and you gotta be too proud to ask and people are they go. Oh, I don't want to bug this person. I don't want to bug Mate. Don't do that ask. Yeah because what's the worst they can you know if you prepare yourself for the answer no, you're not going to be disappointed.

Craig:

If you don't ask.

Steve:

No, if you ask, prepare for now, and someone says yes, man, what a bonus exactly, exactly.

Craig:

If you don't ask the question, the answer will always be no.

Steve:

Sorry, I lost that?

Craig:

Yeah, no, I just. I just said, if you don't ask the question, the answer will always be no 100, 100.

Steve:

But you know, guys don't talk, they bottle shit up, they bottle too much up. Yeah, they gotta talk, man, they've gotta talk because Even if someone you talk to doesn't give you the answer, nine times out of ten you can actually get the answer in your own head just by verbalizing what's going on in your head. You can sort it out just by talking.

Craig:

Exactly, exactly. So if you go back to before this all happened, how would you have thought of yourself in terms of a communicator? What kind of a communicator were you?

Steve:

I've always had trouble communicating. The closer somebody is to me, the harder I find it is to talk to. So, with my relationship with this, the girl that broke down, now, by the way, we are back together. So not living back together still not living back together, we're still in the process of fixing everything up, but we are in a really good place together. We've sorted a lot of problems out. We've sorted out why it all happened, again by talking. But we actually because our communication wasn't great, we misunderstood each other and that was where the problem was.

Steve:

But I now talk to her about everything. I ring her five, six, seven times a day, even just say hello, and then there's a long silence and you go. What are you up to? Well, not much has happened in the last two hours since I spoke to you. But you know, just say hello, you've got to do it. You've got to do it and you've got to find a mate or somebody that you just can ring, and they may not have the answers, but just to talk to them and bounce an idea off them. You've got to have that one person in your life. He's my dad. So much I talk to my old man so much, but it's great because he's starting to lose it. Forget about things so I can tell him shit and he doesn't remember.

Craig:

Yeah, yeah.

Steve:

But no, you can't reiterate how important it is to talk to somebody, because if I hadn't, I've spoken to somebody and it all started off my getting better, started off with the lawyer to find out what they could or couldn't not do to me. That sort of that started me off in the right direction. But you've got to talk to somebody, a friend your trust, who you know. That won't go any further if you don't want it to. It's just between you and them. Yeah, and just please talk to someone. So you've got.

Craig:

You've got boys, haven't you? Two boys, yeah, two boys. So when you spoke earlier and described sort of, you know your 55, your father's 80. Yeah, and he shouldn't be having to take care of you know a 55 year old.

Steve:

That's what I felt he said to me you're my son, I'll always look after you. Exactly.

Craig:

And that's what I was going to say. You know, if you are 18, it was your children who were calling for help, 100%, you know absolutely.

Steve:

But he said to me you're my son, I will always help you. Even to the point where I was still really struggling and like I've got a big five bedroom house here that I'm in on my own and it's getting to the point where I was thinking, jeep is, I'm really struggling with this mortgage and stuff. Should I get somebody in? I didn't want a house here. I don't want a house here. This is my house. I'm renovating it.

Steve:

People don't look after the you know the house when it's not theirs. This is mine and it works so hard for this. And I've got a couple of mates down the road and they they drink a lot, they're always boozed and I'm like you know that's not me. And I said to my dad I said look, you know I've got got this guy that wants to move in. He wants to, he wants to board with me and I need the money and he drinks a lot and I really don't want him around my kids when my kids are there. But and dad said to me he goes, do you want them in there? And I said no, not really, dad, but I'm really struggling to do this. He goes. Well, don't put them in there. And he said I'll support you. You tell me when you need money, I'll lend you money, I'll support you.

Steve:

So it ended up that I hadn't agreed with him, which I've never, ever used. But I had agreed with him. Agreed with him that if I needed money I would you know, rather than get people I didn't want in my house. He would back me and all he said one phone call, mate, and I'll transfer the money. So I'm very lucky to have that. I'm very lucky to have, you know, my man's got a few, few coins put aside where he can help me with that. Some people don't have that. A lot of people don't have that I do. I'm lucky. But I'm also very proud. Where I don't, I don't want to use it. I shouldn't have to use it. He shouldn't be supporting a 55 year old man, but he will, as I would if it was my kids.

Steve:

Yeah exactly, but he shouldn't have to. He shouldn't have to. He should be. He's at the pointy end of his life and he should be enjoying it.

Craig:

Put yourself in his position.

Steve:

Oh, of course I'll do anything I could help my kids.

Craig:

Exactly.

Steve:

Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know, but that's not how you think at the time, is it?

Craig:

No, no, no, no. So tell me, I'd like to go back and, and you know, when you got the realisation that you're splitting up and that you sort of, what was the biggest challenge for you when things started to happen? Was it? Tell me about how you felt not being in control of what was going on.

Steve:

I didn't have any control at all. It was like I was, to be honest, I was numb because it happened so quick. It happened so so fast. You know, from one week saying I'm moving out, next week, trucks, they're gone and I walked into the house. I left a fully furnished, beautiful, fully furnished house. It was lovely. And I walked in to an echo. You know you speak in that house and it echoes. There was absolutely nothing in it. As I said, there were two beheads and a dining room table.

Craig:

And that was it.

Steve:

And that was it, and that was it.

Craig:

And I know there's. You know, there's always sort of an unintended consequence when situations like this happen. How have the boys been during the song?

Steve:

The boys were awesome. They were, they were so, so good. They were awesome. They used to come, come up to me because I used to have them every second weekend and when this happened, they came to me every weekend and and we just did stuff together and I said to them guys, you know, they knew what had happened, because this wasn't, this wasn't a split with their mum. This is a partner after their mum. So they were already living with their mum and this is my second relationship after I'd split up with their mum and I told them that my partner had gone and they were like okay, and I said to them you know, things are really, really tight.

Steve:

I said I don't have any money. I said don't leave lights on in the house, don't leave any appliance on in the house. If you don't need it, you turn it off. Food we're just going to have the basics. There's no flashy meals. That's what we have. If you're hungry, I'll make sure you've got something to eat, but it's not going to be. You know we're not going down the Ritz-Kalton and have a dinner. It'll be. It wasn't even a takeaway. I couldn't afford takeaway. It was cooked in this every night and it was, you know, very, very simple, cheapest, cooked in, as that I could get, that I could make. And I basically said to them you know, guys, christmas ain't happening this year, it's just not going to happen. You know, just the money's not there, there's not going to be a big Christmas. But as it was, I got a good job, I paid them a bill, I was off, I'd save some money and Christmas was freaking awesome. They had more presents than they've ever had in their lives. You know, it was just the difference it six months makes.

Craig:

Yeah, definitely, definitely. How did so? You said they were awesome about it. Yeah, Kids are pretty.

Steve:

They never used to talk. They, yeah, they never used to talk much to me. So when they'd come and stay at my place, they come into the house and go straight into their bedrooms and play on their devices. Yeah, all right, when this happened it's a one hour trip from to pick them up from their mum's place and it blew me away because they spoke to me all the way up in the car. They never looked at their phones once they spoke to me. Both of them talked to me all the way up in the car. We got to the house, they put their bags in the ground and mounted on my $50 lounge. We sat there and we talked the whole night. They didn't go on their devices at all.

Steve:

It was like, and they did this for weeks and weeks and weeks and it was like, wow, and they spoke to me and you know, love your dad, and they were just yeah, they were kids that I didn't actually know and I got to know them very, very well and I actually got a really good relationship with them. We always had a good relationship. They could depend on me. They asked me for anything. I gave it to them. You know, they they never wanted for that. But yeah then then, yeah they, they were very, very therapeutic and very good for me. And then I realized, man, how much, how much would I have lost if I had a. But he did what I was going to do that day and I'm not going to tell anyone how I was going to do it, I don't want to go into that.

Steve:

No because if somebody's in the frame of mind I was in I was going to give them my ideas and how to do it. Yeah, yeah. So, but yeah, it was how, how, how pleased I am. I didn't do what I was going to do that day because I wouldn't have the relationship that I've got with my kids now. Yeah, you know, just don't do it, it's not worth it, just don't do it Work it out, there are consequences you know, yeah, so you go yeah, no, yeah, you go.

Craig:

I was just gonna say you know the their appreciation of you as a father, as a mentor, yeah, yeah, which I didn't get before.

Steve:

I didn't get that before because they didn't really show it before. Until you know, until the poo hits the fan, they it was just yeah, yeah, dad's there, dad's cool, everything's alright. When dad wasn't there was like whoa, hang on, things aren't cool, things aren't right. What can you know? What can they do to help me? Yeah, even to the point where my, my 17 year old son works a few shifts at Mackers every now and then went down the road and put bought some groceries and put them in the fridge well and I came.

Steve:

I came back from work and there's all this food in the fridge. I said, mate, the duty of this, he goes. Yeah, I said gives you bank account, I transfer the money back in. No, dad, it's alright. It's alright. I said give me your bank account, mate, I'll put the money back in his account, but you know he goes. You haven't got any money there, so I went and bought bread and milk and cheese and butter and stuff. Good, mate, you don't have to spend your money on food jeepers. Yeah, so yeah, and that's the sort of thing that they did for me.

Steve:

Yeah, without asking yeah, yeah because they knew that the chips were down, you know. So that's fantastic.

Craig:

It's pretty inspirational. They sound like great kids. You're, you're really lucky.

Steve:

I am very lucky, I'm blessed, but then, you know, I had a great dad and I'm pretty sure he thinks the same about me. So you, you know you invest your time into your kids. I invested a lot of time into my kids when I was growing up, when they were growing up, and I did so so much with them and for them. So, yeah, I think what you, what you, so you know you read what you, so yeah, definitely.

Craig:

Well, I'm going to say, can you give us a couple of them? I you know a couple of recommendations for guys that may be going through a tough time. I know one of them will be talk to someone. Anything else, read your book.

Steve:

Reach out to Craig, because Craig is awesome.

Craig:

I look so but the book.

Steve:

The book helped, you know that's this, yeah, so so. I'll just add to that.

Craig:

I contact people through an organisation called The Uncommon man for guys who feel stuck. The Uncommon man has an e-book created by Lee Stafford and it's called from Stuck to Unstoppable and as a result of that, I was able to speak with Steve and have a conversation around. You know how, what was what was happening with him, and he described what he's described today, from start to where he is and you know Steve said to me there are other guys out there that need help and support, so I asked if you'd like to come on and share a story.

Steve:

And I feel blessed and you know there's a lot of gratitude for spending this time with you this morning or this evening yeah, no, good mate, we're good if I can, if my story can inspire one person to not pull a pin, yeah, then I've done a good thing yeah, yeah, I'd, you're absolutely Bob on there.

Craig:

I think the first point take away from today's, you know, interviewers talk to someone.

Steve:

The second point is to talk to someone and the third point is to talk to somebody and don't be afraid to talk to somebody and don't be too proud to take help if they offer it. Exactly, you know, if people people offer help, it's because they can afford to offer help. Yeah. If somebody says, look, you know, I've got a couple of hundred bucks in here you can borrow that, it's because they can afford to give it to you and they think enough of you to give it to you. Don't be too proud to say no, I won't take that, and then end up. You know where you can't get your way out of something. If you need help and somebody offers it, don't be too proud to take it. Yeah, but also make sure you pay it back or pay it forward one of the two yeah, definitely, and the likes of you know sharing how you're feeling.

Craig:

But when you start to share people, people, the right people will always help yep, and you know what you're.

Steve:

Probably you'll start sharing with someone and that person you and you may not even know they gave us in that spot not long ago, yeah, and they may talk to you about how they got themselves out of it, because, man, not everybody's life is perfect all the time no, no, you know you can be.

Craig:

You can be a millionaire and still feel poor. You know, be surrounded by how much money you got the people that you've got around you. That's what makes you definitely, and I think we all, we all work very, very hard as men to provide and we get on that rollercoaster and get to a point in our lives where we turn around and say you know what's our purpose in life? And it goes back to why we did in the first place for those that we care about the most guys, thanks for listening in.

Craig:

Thanks for listening in today. You know the the story that Steve has shared isn't an isolated case. I think there is a lot to learn from what Steve has described today. You know, make sure we share. Make sure if we see something, we say something, or if we hear something, we do something, because, you know, we want the unintended consequences, as I outlined earlier, to be the right ones, not the wrong ones. My name is Craig Bartlett. I'm so privileged to be bringing you the quintessentially your podcast. Thanks for listening in. God bless, take care and we'll speak to you soon.